This is the last time I will talk about Skins for a while, I PROMISE

I know it's been weeks, practically months since the last episode of Skins, and I haven't done my RECAP yet, but here it is.  It was rather underwhelming for a SEASON FINALE but it still had many good parts.  Here's what happened!

The first 30 seconds of the show are absolutely, without a doubt, THE most seizure-inducing 30 seconds of any TV show I have ever witnessed.  I have no idea what's going on!  Oh wait, it's just Effy and Cook, partying really hard.  They're living as outlaws these days, after Effy's accidental attempted murder of their friend Katie.  They're just banditting through the English countryside, stopping at all the most podunk towns to see which one has the best raves.  Apparently it is the town where Cook's dad lives.  Cook is really nervous about meeting his dad, whom he hasn't seen in years; it's nice to see Cook being not a total jerk.  And NO WAY! Cook's dad is Super Hans from Peep Show (a quick word on Peep Show:  oh man, it is SO GOOD.  Probably the best cringe comedy since Extras.  Watch it here!)  He is quite a nasty character, but he says some funny things.  "This here kid is the FRUIT OF MY LOOOMBS!" etc.  They hang out at the pub because Cook's dad is an alcoholic.  Cooke is loving it because he's also an alcoholic (like father, like son!).  Effy is not amused.

That night, they are still at the pub but now everyone is dancing.  Effy is the hottest girl there!  Cook's dad is like, "Hey son, your girlfriend is MAJOR hot.  I'd hit it!" and more rude things that normal, boundary-respecting dads don't say to their kids.  Cook doesn't say anything, but it is dawning on him that his dad is a total creep.  Cook gets in a fight with some guy who's hitting on Effy, for the sole purpose of setting up an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT.  Effy leaves the pub.  She's getting tired of Cook's antics.  But then Cook's dad hits on Effy and proposes to "have a rumble" with her.  Yuck, what a creep!  Effy is not amused.

Meanwhile, JJ and Freddie are at work, being all pissy and argumentative.  JJ thinks Freddie smokes too much and is too boring, and Freddie is like "WHAT!  Me, boring?!?!?  I'm really, really, ridiculously good looking and I have TWO LOOKS!  I'm practically the most exciting person there is!!!"  JJ is even more bored now.  He would prefer the company of Effy's mom to his boring friend.  They have a nice chat.  She really cares about her daughter but doesn't understand her!  JJ can relate because he's a magician, or something.  Later on, he goes to Freddie's house to apologize for their row, but Freddie is in the middle of a furious wanking session!  PHEW.  I was so worried this season would end without a single wanking scene, but they managed to sneak one in right at the end! Good job, guys.  Anyways, Freddie gets a call from Effy and she says "Cook is in trouble, you have to come help him!"  Freddie is all "whiiiine whine whine, why do I have to help him, I thought you liked him?" and Effy is like "Because I love you, Freddie."  Aw.

Cook's dad owes a lot of money to the pubtender so Cook enters a race to help him out, and also to beat that guy who was hitting on Effy earlier.  But then Freddie and JJ show up!  They all have a big argument and everyone drops what they are doing to listen to them.

"I'm really interested in what these children are talking about in slightly raised voices."

Freddie and Cook decide to race against each other and whoever wins will get to keep Effy, or whatever.  But then JJ enters the race!  What's he doing there?  He's too nerdy to win a race, especially if it is a GRANNY RACE?!?!?! WHAT!

Surprise!  JJ wins, because slow and steady wins the race.  The granny race, not the race to win Effy's heart.  Because Freddie wins that later on, when he and Effy are totally getting it on in some warehouse or whatever.  BUT FIRST.  Freddie and Cook are very mad at each other because neither one won the race and now we will never know who will be with Effy!  They get into a fight but JJ breaks it up with a magic "if you don't stop being such babies I will snap your fingers in half and make your eyeballs pop out" trick.  He proceeds to put everyone in their place.  Freddie and Cook are being really stupid these days!  Effy should stop being so "fit and mysterious"!  And Effy really has to stick with one guy, she's tearing their friendships apart!  Cook hates relationship talks, so he leaves, and so does JJ, and now Effy and Freddie can get it on in peace.

Cook goes to see his dad at the docks (he lives on a boat, btw) so they can have more fun, father-son bonding time.  But what's this?  His dad is trying to leave town before his boat can be seized and his son can say goodbye to him?  Plus, his dad didn't want Cook to visit, and besides, Cook was an accident so why should he care about him?  Ouch.  Cook is distraught.  is dad threatens to hit him with a lit firecracker?  Crazy.  But then Freddie shows up and knocks Cook's dad out with the classic heavy object to the head move!  JJ and Effy who up, and they all start sailing down the river with Cook's dad's unconscious body in tow.  He wakes up and Cook shoves him overboard because he has finally realized he does not need that nasty dad, even though he is the only dad he's got.  Freddie and Cook are friends again!  Freddie wonders "What do we do now?" and it is ALL OVER.

Friends!

And here's what I thought:

• My main problem with this episode and pretty much the whole third season, is this: I don't care which guy Effy ends up with!  They're both pretty bad!  Cook is a childish jerk and Freddie is a boring wanker (but that might be more of a problem of that guy's acting, which is pretty bad sometimes)!  That was a pretty weak overarching plot line.  (but OBVIOUSLY Effy should've chosen JJ because he's a gentleman and he won the race besides.)  
• Where was everyone else?  Finales are supposed to be "everyone" episodes!
  
• That was such a boring and lazy ending!  "What's going to happen next? WINK WINK, keep watching our show!" Geesh.  I don't care what happens next because there are no questions dying to be answered unless you count "Will Effy stay with Freddie this time?" which would be a boring question.  I'm going to be irked (IRKED!) if I have to sit through that dumb storyline again!  I miss the days of Skins yore, when finales were times for Cat Stevens singalongs and transcontinental soul searching.
• Otherwise, it was pretty good.  It was nice to get some backstory on Cook, and for that backstory to involve Super Hans.  

And here is a Skins Series 3 Report Card:

• I ended up liking it more than I thought I would at the (horrible) beginning.  The characters certainly grew on me, except for Freddie, who got VERY ANNOYING by the end.  Even Cook was not so bad!  I actually thought the guy who played him, Jack O'Connell, did a great job (and I just found out he was Pukey Nicholls in This is England.  True story!) and I totally wouldn't mind if he went on to star in the next Big Movie and be nominated for all the awards, a la Anwar of Series 1 and 2.  And I really liked JJ and the twins and Thomas.  The actors who played them were pretty good, too.  And Naomi and Pandora were fine as well, I suppose.  And of course (of course!) Effy was great.  Good job, everyone except Freddie!
• Gradeswise, I would give the first half of the season a D and the second half a B+.  I'm really glad they (They? They.) took my advice and toned down the CRAZY EXTREEEEME of the first few episodes.  Good job, you guys!