SKINS: the gang learns about friendship and MARRIAGE

So, this last episode was the finale of season 5.  Already!  We have finished.  I thought it was pretty great!  I mean, it certainly made me FEEL a lot of FEELINGS, and that's definitely a good thing.  But I'm not sure if the 25% delightful romp through the English countryside, 25% adorable rom com, 25% hilarious bromance, and 25% getting-lost-in-the-woods horror movie thing was tonally dissonant, as they say, or brilliant?  I think I'll go with brilliant, just because I enjoyed all of those parts.  It was all good!  I laughed, I thought "ooh, that's pretty," I went "aww!" and I feared for someone's life!  SUCCESS!

Montage time!  Grace is prepping for her MARRIAGE, Rich and Alo are recovering from what looks to have been a craaaaazy stag night, Liv is moodily smoking a giant spliff, etc. etc.  Franky leaves a note at Matty's, saying something like "Stop giving me googly eyes, it makes my head hurt."  Matty sees it and is like "huh."  Mini shows up and is like "Be nice to Franky, she is a precious snowflake!  And stop giving her googly eyes, I want to give her googly eyes now, too!" and Matty is like "Alright."

Everyone is getting ready for the wedding!  Franky used her vast mental deposits of creativity and sartorial know-how to craft up some lovely dresses for all the girls.  Grace looks so pretty!  The cake looks delicious!  Meanwhile, Rich got a haircut :O and now he looks like a metal Justin Bieber :O but also it looks very nice!  Good for Rich!  Clean starts, new beginnings, opening an exciting new chapter in the book of life!  It's all very exciting.

The gang head off for the wedding, but not before Mr. Blood gifts Grace with a fashionable bug pin, which is also a BUG, like the sneaky tracking device kind.  Yikes!  Watch out, Grace!  

LOOK at this mixing of plaids!!

So, the wedding is way outside of Bristol, somewhere in the dangerous English countryside.  The roads are so rugged and treacherous out there!  Alo's van breaks down and now the gang are stranded in the middle of nowhere, looking all sad and dejected in their fancy wedding outfits.

Some of the gang try to find out where to go and Matty just whips out some COCAAAAAAINE.  Grace yells at Franky for goofing off, but it's okay because she's so fabulous and she's probably really stressed about her WEDDING anyway.   Then!  Daisy from Spaced shows up in a CAR and is like "I can give TWO of you a ride!" 

DAISY FROM SPACED!!

So Grace and Rich ride off with Daisy from Spaced to the church, and along the way they learn a valuable lesson about how being married makes some people lame.  Daisy's husband used to be into Napalm Death!  Mad cool.  But now he's some sort of lame hippie.  And Rich is like, clearly making a mental note to not become a lame hippie.

SKINS: the gang learns about Shakespeare and Grace's magical wardrobe

So, this last episode was pretty good!  We finally got a closer look at the mind and wardrobe of the fabulous Grace Violet-Blood, plus there was a lot of DRAMA.  Good stuff!  RECAP.

Rich stayed over at Grace's one night and now he has to escape by sneaking suavely, oh so suavely, past . . . PRINCIPAL BLOOD?!?!  Because he is GRACE'S DAD?!  Turns out Principal Blood, bribe enthusiast extraordinaire and hated authority figure, is Grace's dad, but she's been keeping this interesting fact quiet since it would damage his reputation or something.  Anyways, Rich gets caught and now Grace's parents know who he is.  Grace is like "Parents!  This is Rich!" and her parents are like "JUDGING."

Grace's dad is mad at her for hanging around with the gang, who are all not as posh as they should be.  So he threatens to send her back to this all girls school that is very far away from the rest of the gang WHICH IS NOT A GOOD IDEA :( and this makes Grace cry WHICH IS EVEN MORE NOT GOOD :( so now she has to get an A in her drama class in order to stay in Bristol.  She's like the director of this Shakespeare play, and the rest of the gang minus Nick are the actors.  Mini is a horrible actor. Franky has to get all romantic with Matty, which makes Liv very upset so she's like "Grace, Matty and I are leaving your play forever and ever GOODBYE!" and now Grace is going to fail her class.  Liv is such a great friend!

Rich meets with Principal Blood, who did a background check on Rich's poshness because this is something that really needed to be done before he could have dinner with the Bloods.  Turns out Rich is not posh enough.  Who would have thought!  So Principal Blood bribes him into performing badly in Grace's play so that he can blackmail his own daughter. 

Formal wear!  SO METAL!

SKINS: the gang sticks it to the man!/Alo's parents

So, this last episode was an Alo episode, and it was pretty fun!  Except for that part when he blew the cow up.  And when that guy was mean to Franky.  I guess some of it was kind of sad?  Anyways.  Alo!  Great character.  Farm stuff.  Here's a RECAP.

Alo lives on a farm, and it's his birthday, so his mom gives him a shovel.  What a thoughtful gift!  The gang has planned a party for Alo but he can't go because he needs to help out on the farm.  He rides a tractor around while blasting some dubstep, which makes me think that farming might not be so LAME when you can blast some dubstep while doing it.

Farm stuff.

Alo shirks his farm duties and goes out to PARTY, and then his parents decide to take him out of school and use him a slave labor on the farm because he's like SUCH a disappointment.  They all go to meet with the principal at school, and he's like "yeah, good idea Alo's parents, education is not for everyone."  Alo is kind of sad but then the gang "does a kidnap" on him and they go to a pub.  Fun!  The gang is like "you gotta stick it to the man, Alo!  Burn the farm down!  Show your parents who's boss!" and Alo is like "yeah gang, that's nice and all, but I love my parents!" and they are like "LAME."  Then Alo's parents show up and kidnap him back to the farm because Alo's dog is part bloodhound, and a very good tracker.  

SKINS:

So, this last episode was a continuation of the DRUGS and PARTYING YEAH! + family drama theme from last week's ep, but with Nick instead of Liv.  It was pretty fun!  Nick is more of a cheeseball than I had initially supposed, and it was fun to watch the rugby team be way over-the-top homoerotic.  RECAP.

Nick plays rugby!  He's like the captain or something.  The rugby team is really classy and totally manly.  They're always like "Last man to the shower is a HOMO!" and "See you later, you big GAY!" and "Cheers, HOMO!"  Really manly stuff.  Also, Nick's friend who wears plaid looks like this at some point:

 Asshole.

Nick's brother Matty is moving back in, but their dad is not so happy about it because last time Matty was there he like went berserk and busted things up with some golf clubs.  Their dad is a motivational speaker who is really intense and angry all the time, but Nick seems to like him a lot.  Probably because they are both total cheeseballs.  Nick, for example, likes to say things like "Chillax, Dad!" and "Sweet as!"  Total cheeseball.  Anyways, Matty is being a nice, not violent/homeless guy now, and Nick is like "Things are totally cool with us now!" but you can tell things are NOT totally cool because when Liv comes over to have raucous sex with Matty, Nick gets the weirdest incestuous boner.  Awkward!

Then Nick goes over to Mini's and they have another one of those intensely awkward sex scenes.  PLEASE NO MORE OF THESE.  Then Nick goes to school and WAIT HOLD ON what the everliving FUCK is Mini wearing?!?!?!

???????????????

AHEM.  Nick is like so excited that Matty is going to school again!  He introduces them to his rugby mates, but Matty is like "ugh, no thanks."  Their dad goes to a meeting with them, but he's really tacky and intense, and Matty is like "ugh, how can you stand our dad, Nick, he's so tacky and intense" and Nick is like "What are you TALKING about, our dad is AWESOME!!!"  Then Nick introduces Matty to the gang and Franky is like "It's YOU! omg you are so dreamy."  Matty tells a joke about how he gave lots of blowjobs when he was homeless and Nick is like "Haha NO, that's not true!  My brother is NOT a homo, why would you think that!!!"

SKINS: partying DRUGS DRUGS partying DRUGS yeah!

So, this last episode was a return to the crazy DRUGS and PARTYING YEAH! storylines of yore.  There was a lot of drugs and partying.  It was fine!  Recap?  RECAP.

Liv is totally banging Mini's boyfriend now, and he's like "This is awesome, we're totally sticking it to Mini, she's a bitch!" and Liv is like "Actually, I feel kind of bad about this?  She's my best friend!"  Later on, Liv's mom leaves for the weekend and Liv is happy because now she can finally catch up on her R and R.  She could probably use like a thousand naps.  But then Mini stops by with all of the "gang" and is like "GROUP MEETING, EVERYONE!  I want to apologize to you all for being such a bitch.  I've been such a bitch to you!  Let's all put my bitchery in the past and have some fun!  Here's a humongous bag of weed we can have fun with!"  And so everyone starts to get to know one another, some less enthusiastically than others because they have perhaps not entirely forgiven Mini and Nick for conspiring to ruin their lives.  But it's a party!  YEAH!

Fashion!

Liv takes her little sister to a sci-fi movie marathon to get her out of the house, where of course there are lots of DRUGS.  Then she has a chat about her terrible relationship/friendship drama with her other sister, who's in prison.  Then she goes to the bus station and fury smokes outside, when the Mysterious Guy from the Quarry shows up.  Liv is like "You look so mysterious, do I know you?" and he's like "omg stop hitting on me!"  Some hobo runs up to them and is like "TAKE MY DRUGS!! Btw you guys look totally cute together.  I love foreshadowing!"  The Mysterious Guys is like "awesome, free drugs!" and Liv is like "MMMM DRUGS YUM YUM!" and so they have lots of drugs, go shoplifting, visit a magical costume store, nearly get raped by this guy at the costume store (Liv), assault the costume store guy in a perhaps deadly manner (Mysterious Guy), steal all evidence of said assault, escape in rabbit costumes, and do more DRUGS.  Then they go to this club which is like probably Stefon's favorite because it's full of people wearing dragon masks, neck tattoo enthusiasts, grandmas, Furries, etc.  Bristol's Hottest Club, basically.  Then they have sex, and at some point during all of this the Mysterious Guy is like "I am a violent maniac!  I beat up my brother yesterday because he's a terrible person and he totally deserved it.  Also, I'm homeless!" and Liv is like "omg you are such a sexy ragamuffin!  Like someone from Dickens but way hotter!"  

SKINS: fashion, dark secrets, general bitchery, etc.

So, this was the Mini episode, the one in which her terrible secret is revealed and I am made to sympathize with her in spite of her being exactly like all of the worst self-absorbed, evil, passive-aggressive total bitches I have ever known in life and Project Runway (HATE YOU GRETCHEN hate hate hate).  Good one, I guess?  How about a RECAP?

Mini is 100% evil, and she wears one of those horrifying eye masks that have realistic-looking eyes on them, like the kind Matilda's mom wears in the movie Matilda, because evil people wear evil eye masks when they sleep.  Mini eats like five sunflower seeds for breakfast, works out, struts her stuff past the rugby team, and has a meeting with her . . . fashion class?  Who are getting ready for a charity runway show.  Grace did some redesigns with help from Franky, but of course Mini hates them with a fiery passion because Franky was involved, so she fires Grace and appoints herself as head model.  Then Grace FINALLY tells Mini off for being a rude bitch and Mini is offended that her precious ears were cursed on.

Meanwhile, Nick is excited because he has his house to himself this weekend.  He tells Mini, "I'm excited because I have the house to myself this weekend!  Let's have sex!  We haven't had sex yet, and I would like to have sex!  Look, I have condoms in my pocket!!!" and Mini is like "Yeah, sounds great, I've had so much sex before and would love to have some with you!" but you can tell that it does NOT sound great and Mini has NOT had so much sex before because she has a very pained and worried look on her face.  Turns out her DEEP DARK SECRET is that she's a virgin?  Okay.

Then Mini concocts a series of increasingly convoluted barriers to having to be intimate with her boyfriend.  First she's like "Oh, I can't go to your place because I promised Liv we'd go BOWLING!" then it's "We're all having so much fun bowling, let's do another round!" to "Oops, we can't go to yours now because your keys have mysteriously disappeared, probably somewhere in the bowling alley which we are locked out of and definitely not in my purse!" and "Now we're guests at a friend's house, it would be rude to have sex here!" then "But this is awkward, Liv and that guy who wears plaid are banging right over there!" and finally "Whoops, I just threw up all over you!"

SKINS: 2/7ths of the gang learn a harrowing lesson about living with a terrible disability

So, this last episode was all about Rich, who is the METALHEAD of the gang.  It was really good!  It was one of those episodes where they use music to help tell the story, and those are always fun.  Plus Rich is a compelling character and Grace is an absolute TREASURE whose wardrobe is still the most amazing thing.  Recap recap recap!

Rich is so metal and no one understands.  Even Alo, his BFF4L, is like "dude, cool it with the metal stuff.  You're never going to get laid because no one else can stand the metal stuff!" but Rich is like "not true, I am not the only metalhead out there!"  And then they find out about this totally hot metalhead GIRL who works at the library, and Rich tries to chat her up but it's a total disaster.  So he asks Franky for help with his girl problems, but she's like "Flattered, Rich, I really am, but I'm the most awkward and unpopular person you know so I wouldn't be much help, but Grace is totally a girl that we know" and so they go consult Grace while she's practicing ballet.  Rich is like "Ew, BALLET, so not metal" and then Mini shows up and is a total bitch to everyone, but Grace goes to hang out with her anyway.

Rich goes off to be miserable by himself and Grace shows up in an amazing "undercover" outfit and offers to act like a metalhead to get close to the metalhead girl so that Rich can impress her.  Rich is like "that's the worst idea ever, you don't even know what a metalhead is" but he agrees to this brilliant plan anyways, and they head to this music store so that Grace can become acquainted with THE METAL.  She faints after listening to some METAL and instead of like helping her out Rich is really rude and says some very music elitist things.  The guy who works there is like "Stop being an asshat, dude" and so Rich apologizes.

Then Rich goes to a pub and Grace shows up looking all METALHEAD-like and belts out a Rage Against the Machine song in her adorable posh accent.  Rich is like "so metal!"  Then he talks to the metalhead girl at the library again, but it turns out she's actually the meanest, most rudest person in the entire world, so Rich is CRUSHED.  Grace asks him out to this ballet thing she's doing, but he refuses because he is TOO METAL and then Alo shows up and is like "dude, Grace is like really hot and not a total bitch, you should stop being such a MUSIC ELITIST and go out with her!"  Rich is upset with himself, and so he goes to the metal store and buys the loudest, most METAL album ever recorded (by Misplaced Abortion, LOL I want so badly for this to be a real thing) and listens to it SUPER LOUDLY which of course makes him GO DEAF.  YIKES.

SO METAL.

SKINS: the new "gang" learns an important lesson about being yourself

Oh it is SO NICE to be watching the real Skins again!  And I don't know if it's just because my senses have been numbed after watching so much American Skins, but this episode was actually pretty fucking good?  And I am like really excited about this new cast of characters?  And it looks like there will be some very interesting story lines?  And everyone can act, they can all fucking ACT?  YES.  THIS IS ALL VERY GOOD.

First off, we must become acquainted with the new gang, if you can call it that (because some of the "gang" hate each other very intensely!  The gang is not a gang!  THERE ARE NO RULES ANYMORE!).  But more on that in a minute.  Let's do a brief run-through of events first!

BRIEF RUN-THROUGH OF EVENTS:  Franky is a new girl at college.  She immediately runs into trouble because there are bullies who hate her and normal teenagers who judge her because she is different.  There's this one girl, Mini, who acts like a total bitch to her but then is all nice and takes her out shopping with her friends.  Franky has fun!  She even gets invited to a party Mini is having!  But then the next day at school, Mini gets mad at Franky for not wearing this stupid dress she bought her, and so she launches a smear campaign on Franky so that the entire school knows she's a freak.  It's terrible!  Franky is pissed, so she goes to an abandoned quarry and does target practice with her antique guns.  Some mysterious guy walks up and she nearly shoots him because she is IN A RAGE.  Then she goes to Mini's party and it's a total disaster but then these guys Rich and Alo and also Mini's friend Grace kidnap Franky and take her to a secret pool overlooking Bristol and they all go swimming.

THE GANG:

 

Franky is 100% my new favorite.  What an interesting character!  She is such a precious, fragile snowflake and has so many issues going on.  She's got a neat androgynous style and what appear to be some serious gender identity issues, plus there are the two dads and the braces and the being a victim of some serious cyberbullying and the just generally being very awkward.  Plus she makes post-Apocalypse stop-motion animation for fun and collects antique guns and smokes what are probably clove cigarettes and squishes bullies with her fingers.  Franky is the BEST.  And ALSO, she is played by the girl from The Golden Compass!  THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

Skins US: the gang learns a valuable lesson about having an outlet for one's creativity

Well that was LAME.  So, the first season of the American Skins has finally ended and WOW was this last episode anticlimactic and stupid and a waste of time!!!  Everyone just whined, talked about their feelings, and partied, and Eura barely even got kidnapped, plus Tony DIDN'T EVEN GET HIT BY THE BUS.  After so many weeks and WEEKS of feverish anticipation of the blessed moment when this stupid, stupid ROBOT TONY would get run over by a moving vehicle (perhaps in slow motion?  And with different vantage points?  A girl can dream) and put into a permanent (possibly life-threatening!) coma, and what?  He just GOES TO SLEEP in the comfort of his own home after sustaining a few MILDLY PAINFUL blows to the head.  Ughhhhhhh this is the stupidest show ever.

But more on that later!

THE BASICS:  It's montage time!  Tony is stuck in bed being miserable, Abbud and Daisy are getting it on, Cadie is at the doctor's, Chris is in his tree house, etc etc.  Eura tries to get her parents' attention by standing in the kitchen and pouring yogurt all over her head.  Stanley and Michelle stand by the unnamed body of water and mumble a heartfelt chat about their relationship.  Stanley is like "Ummmm I like you, Michelle, mumble mumble now I have to go work on my mumble creativity project for mumble class" and Michelle is like "Good idea, Stanley, it would be great for you to . . . find an outlet for . . . your creativity."  Then Eura comes up and gives Michelle a really thoughtful and coherent love note that Tony wrote, only it was intended for Tea.  Michelle figures this out because Tony drew a VERY ACCURATE drawing of Tea's face on the back.  Who knew he was such a talented artist!

"You must express yourself, Stanley!"

Skins US: Adult sophistication

So, this last episode was interesting.  Not great, but there were some good parts and it was neat to have an episode centered around an ADULT.  It's a true Skins first!  

THE BASICS:  Tina, the teacher Chris has been banging, is unhappy.  Chris is like "why are you sad, we were just banging in my tree house, because I live in a tree house now, and that's awesome not sad!" but Tina is like "I am an adult, though!  I need to be more sophisticated!" and then she runs into Abbud when exiting the tree house and is like "Hey Abbud, I was just tutoring Chris here, so there's no need to think that something weird or inappropriate is going on" and Abbud is like "sure, TUTORING wink wink wink" and Tina is like "why are you winking at me OH everyone knows about my illicit student love affair!  MY CAREER MIGHT BE IN JEOPARDY!!!" 

Tina is friends with all of the kids at school but has trouble relating with adults.  Chris writes a paper for her class called "How I'm going to bone you tonight," and also he wants to move to Nebraska and open up a hot dog stand with her.  Tina is like "that wouldn't be a good life choice.  I think I should break up with you, Chris, and focus on being an adult."  Then the science teacher starts stalking Tina and invades everyone's personal property when looking for some science thing.  Creep.

It's Tina's birthday, so she's desperate to have fun while also not pathetically carrying on with her underage minor boyfriend.  She makes some moves on her normal adult neighbor, but he's like "Eh no thanks, you are so desperate and childish, leave me alone" and poor Tina is lonely again.  Until!  Chris throws a raucous party in her house with all her teenage friends.  This is great because all of the problems ever can be solved by raucous partying.  But then the creepy science teacher barges into her house and looks around for Tina, but can't find her, and then instead of quietly backing away when he hears raucous sex noises, he BARGES INTO THE BEDROOM in which Tina is having sex with a minor and then promptly GETS HER ARRESTED FOR RAPE.  Creep.

Tina gets fired, but at least she isn't forever labeled a rapist, since all the kids testify on her behalf.  And also Chris is sad because Tina doesn't "love" him, so I guess that sucks.  I GUESS.

Skins US: "I love my culture!"

So, this episode wasn't so bad.  There were some things I like quite a bit!  Abbud, for example, is shaping up to be a great character and the guy who plays him is actually very funny?  I seriously laughed like several times at Abbud.  I'm so glad SOMEONE on this dumb show has a bit of comic timing this is such a breakthrough!!!  Anyways, this episode was about Daisy.

THE BASICS:  Daisy works at a Hooters-type restaurant because 50% of her identity is showing off her boobs to people and then huffing and puffing when people look at her boobs.  Abbud gets a burger with a little penis pickle on it.  Daisy is so responsible!  She has a job, does lots of housework, takes care of her little sister, toots her horn at jazz clubs on school nights, argues with her dad about her future, and does couples counseling for Abbud and Tea, who have hit a rough patch in their BFF relationship after Tea was found getting it on with Tony (THE HORROR).  All of this is very frustrating for Daisy, and so she decides to throw her trumpet into the (unnamed body of) water (could be ANYWHERE in America, really).  But then Abbud shows up and gives her a motivational talk about things he learned from his religion (ABBUD IS MUSLIM did you know).  He's all "in my religion this and that" and "I love my culture!" and Daisy is like "awesome dude, your religion sounds rad and now I feel motivated.  Let's go have some casual mindless sex!" 

But when Abbud and Daisy get to her house, they find that Daisy's sister has thrown a raucous party and things are getting messy.  Her dad's piano is destroyed.  Oh no!  How will they clean this up and avoid upsetting her father, who is mad at Daisy for wanting to toot her horn instead of being a postal worker or something similarly boring but reliable???  They don't.  Daisy's dad shows up and is like, SO disappointed.  Then Daisy and Abbud have casual mindless sex.  

The next day, Daisy goes to a trumpet audition, much to the chagrin of her postal enthusiast father, but leaves before finishing because she has a flair for the dramatic.  When she gets home, her dad is like "you destroyed my piano because you partied too hard.  I'm so disappointed" but then Daisy is like "don't worry, Dad, I stopped auditioning for that trumpet thing and now we can buy a new piano with my audition money, because luckily the audition cost three thousand dollars/the piano cost only fifty bucks!"  Then they buy a piano.  Something called a Loober? 

Skins US: "I AM A TEENAGER, WATCH ME RAAAAAGE!!!!!"

So, this last episode had some stupid bits and some not-as-stupid bits.  It was pretty entertaining, actually, since there was intense drama out the wazoo and Michelle was IN A RAGE the entire time.

THE BASICS:  Michelle is like totally in love with Tony, even though he is rude and has difficulties sounding like a real human boy.  She tells Tony she loves him but he's all like "WHAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU THIS IS A VERY NOISY RAVE!!  ALSO I NEED MORE DRUUUUUUGS!!!!"

Michelle goes to the doctor and it turns out she has chlamydia.  YUCK.  At school she gets into a violent RAGE and punches Tony in the balls, probably because she didn't want any more girls getting infected with this horrible disease, which was thoughtful of her.  Everyone is like "whoa" and Michelle is like "GET OUT OF MY WAY!!  I HAVE CHLAMYDIA RAWRRRR!!!!" 

Michelle is SUPER pissed, and so Daisy tries to help her out by listing all the girls Tony has cheated on her with so that she can narrow down the perpetrator of the chlamydia crime, but this just makes Michelle EVEN MORE super pissed!  Michelle appeals to her mom for help, but she's just like "Chlamydia isn't so bad, Michelle, chill out" and then Tea tries to help and Michelle is like "oh I wish I were a lesbian like you because then I wouldn't have to deal with GUYS, plus I love you so much and you are the best, Tea!" which is awkward because of how Tea may have given her chlamydia by having sex with her boyfriend.

Yup, still pretty bad.

So this last episode was the CANADA episode, which was where the gang went to a wilderness retreat in CANADA on some sort of vaguely defined science class trip and hijinks ensued.  It was pretty dumb, but Abbud is okay and Stanley was on the toilet basically the entire time, so that was good.

THE BASICS:  While crossing the border into Canada, the gang learns that Stanley has hidden some weed waaaaaaay far up his ass to avoid the suspicion of the Canadian customs officials.  They all think it's super hilarious and laugh at him, which is sort of rude when you think about it because Stanley is going through some serious pain just so they don't have to get through a day or two without getting crazy high.  On the way to the campsite, their stupid science teacher hits an elk and everyone gets out of the bus and crowds around the poor dying elk, taking videos on their phones as the stupid science teacher gives it CPR.  "THIS HAS A MILLION HITS ONLINE!!!" someone says.

The gang gets to camp and the counselors are all like "no drugs here guys, don't even think of doing drugs here" but then the guys are like "yeah whatever, let's go look for some shrooms in the forest!"  But they don't find any shrooms, just a magical toad that can get you high if you lick it enough.  So everyone licks the toad but instead of getting magicaly high they projectile vomit everywhere.  AW YEAH.  Then Stanley has to go to the outhouse to poop out his drugs.  Michelle finds him there and they have an awkward, romantic talk.  Michelle probably says something about how he was brave for licking that toad, or whatever, and then she's like "guess I'll see you later, Stan!" and Stanley is like "yeah, later.  I'll just be here, pooping."

Nope, it's still terrible!

Now that I've broken up my BLOG FLOW by talking about something besides Skins for the first time in AGES, I will go back to talking about Skins.  I was thinking this dumb show was getting better, but it wasn't really!  This last week's episode was pretty STUPID, but also sort of HILARIOUS at times (whenever Tony opened his mouth, to be specific.  He is just getting more and more terrible at the acting every episode!  It's incredible!).

THE BASICS:  Stanley is always skipping school, which makes his parents mad, but they're stupid and yelly and wear ridiculous biking outfits so who cares!  But the next day, Stanley sleeps in and misses the school bus (oh yeah yellow school buses THIS IS SO AMERICAN!) and has to steal his dad's vintage car to get to school.  But the car doesn't work so well.  Will he get to school?  YES.  HE GETS TO SCHOOL.  Then he shows off his car to the gang and they're like "dude, it's a hatchback NOT COOL" but Michelle sits inside and is like "this would be the perfect place to have some sex, Stanley WINK WINK!" and Stanley tells her a story about how his parents had sex in the car one time when there was a solar eclipse?  GREAT STORY, STANLEY.  Then he takes Michelle to Tony's choir concert, where he makes out with (Posh) Tabitha, Michelle is furious, blah blah blah.  Stanley and Michelle make out, she gets mad at him for being pathetic, then Stanley gives Tony a ride home even though he's being a dick.  He's driving his dad's vintage car but he doesn't have a license and the cops try to pull them over but they decide to speed through an Air Force base to avoid them (GOOD IDEA, STANLEY) and then the car catches on fire.  Whoops!  Stanley's parents are mad and he's probably going to juvy, so the gang throws him a party in the forest somewhere.  Tony continues to be an asshole.  Stanley visits Cadie in the clinic and says sorry for being mean.  Good!  Then he goes to court but the judge throws out his case and calls his dad a bastard.  Good judge! 

LOOK AT THESE SOCKS!!!

Brand new Lord of the Rings socks!  From the Op Shop!

American Skins is pretty okay now, I guess

This last episode was pretty okay.  I actually laughed out loud a few times!  Mostly at the guy who plays Tony's acting, because it is nearing The Room-level proportions of bad (I am not even kidding.  It is THAT BAD.  I think I'll have to keep watching this show to laugh at Tony's acting, if nothing else).  Anyways, this was a Cadie episode, and so it was mostly very different from the original Cassie episode, since they are sort of not the same character.

THE BASICS:  Cadie's dad is a taxidermist, which I guess is where she gets her fondness for knives from.  Her mom is a self-absorbed ex-pageant queen.  They don't like to pay much attention to her so she goes to a lot of doctors for help with her mental issues, which include OCD and having a phobia of pigeons, but they just give her a lot of pills.  One doctor tells Cadie she should spend more quality time with her parents, so she goes hunting with her dad.  She almost shoots him at one point?  Stanley tells Cadie to come to this party Michelle's having.  "Yay, a date with Stanley!" she says, but Stanley is like "whatever dude, just bring loads of pills.  PILLS PILLS PILLS!"  She goes to the party, and everyone there is like "PILLS?" and she is like "yup, pills" and gives them all her pills.  They all do lots of pills.  Michelle's mom gets really drunk, which is like so totally embarrassing for Michelle.  Also, Michelle's mom's boyfriend is super creepy and hits on Cadie a lot.  Stanley ignores Cadie and instead goes off to Michelle's room for his first wank scene.  Cadie spies on Tony and Tea, who are having a heated argument about FEELINGS.  Tony is like "We had sex, Tea!  Stop ignoring me!  Whine whine whine!" and Tea is like "dude, I'm a lesbian!"  Then Tea tells Cadie that Stanley doesn't like her and he just invited her to the party because he wanted her PILLS.  Brutal!  So Cadie, like, starts to make out with Michelle's mom's boyfriend to make him jealous or something?  Stanley is concerned.  Then Cadie goes home and takes lots of pills, but for medical reasons.

New American Skins marginally better

So, this last episode was episode was probably the best of the new American Skins WHICH IS NOT SAYING A LOT but still, it's nice to see that it is improving, albeit ever so slightly.  This one was another nearly shot-for-shot remake of an episode from the original Skins, which means I judged it very harshly for not being as good, but also it was objectively pretty okay because the episode it was based on was a very good episode with some neat story lines and nice writing, which try as they might, these kids were not able to fuck up entirely (what a lovely and coherent compliment, Lauren!). 

BASICS:  You will remember, of course, Chris' first episode, where his mom leaves him a huge wad of cash and he has a huge party and then finds out his mom abandoned him and then a hobo kicks him out of his house and he has to walk to school naked and the gang helps him find clothes to wear but he still doesn't have a place to live so he goes to see his estranged step-family and then drops their baby and then has a heartfelt chat with Jal about his dead brother and then the teacher he likes finds him a place to live?  Well, that's what happened here, except THE BABY WAS NOT DROPPED.

SKINS: In which everyone GOES TO HARVARD OH YEAH

 So, this was the last episode of season 4 and also the last episode EVER with this batch of ridiculous teenagers oh how sad.  It was okay!  RECAP:

We start out with a montage of gang goes about their business.  Emily is waking up with some random chick who is not Naomi, Naomi is sulking, Cook is banging some chick, Thomas is running.  We get the sense that Thomas runs a lot now and is pretty good at it.  Good for him!  Running is a great way to get in shape.  Freddie is not in the montage because he's dead, probably.  His sister finds a note in his room saying "I'm going away for a bit" but this seems suspect because all of his stuff is still there.  HMMM.  

Pandora and Katie visit Effy in the mental health clinic.  Pandora sings Effy a song to cheer her up, which is very sweet of her, although the lyrics could have been a bit more sensitive.  "Please don't slit your wrists anymore"?  Really, Pandora?  Anyways, the girls lift Effy's spirits.  Yay!  But then it turns out the crazy psychiatrist who killed Freddie is spying on Effy, and he has an expression on his face which is more "I want to practice unethical hypnosis on this pretty teenage girl and if someone tries to stop me I will bash their heads in" than "What a lovely song, Pandora!"  OH NO.

Cook is telling Naomi about how he is totally moving on from Effy.  "I'm totally moving on from Effy," he says.  Naomi scoffs because he is so not moving on.  That chick he was just banging looks just like Effy!  But she farts a lot!  Yuck! 

The crazy psychiatrist talks to Effy and tells her she can go home again.  Effy is like "Thanks for the help, guy.  I'll never forget you" and the crazy psychiatrist puts on his best creeper face and is like "No, no you won't ever forget me *coughbecauseIjustkilledyourboyfriendLOLcough* No, that is for sure!"  

The new American Skins is still pretty horrid, but not as horrid as before

It's getting a little bit better, I think?  Though that might just be because this second episode was a Tea episode, and Tea, you will remember, is pretty much the only person who can act on this dreadful show.  Also, this one wasn't an exact replica of an episode from the original series.  It was entirely new, actually!  Still pretty terrible, though.

BASICS:  The gang is eats lunch at school.  Stanley is a fucking pig and has food smeared all over his face.  Tony tries to get Tea to flash everyone at the next football game because of a bet she lost or something?  Tea has a very noisy family.  They are all Jewish and Italian, which we know because their house is practically a museum of menorahs and Italian flags.  And her dad has an Italian restaurant and works for the mafia.  They have no idea Tea is a lesbian, even though she's always going out clubbing on school nights and bringing home girls for noisy lesbian sex.  Tea has to go on a date with Tony because it would help her dad's mafia connections?  They go to a playground and get drunk, then Tea takes Tony to an empty bar?  And they make out and have sex, like normal straight guys and lesbians do?  Something something, Tea's senile grandmother had an affair with a lesbian during the Holocaust.  Then at school, the girl she took home the other day kisses her in front of everyone so now the entire school knows they are lesbians, which could be problematic because now the other cheerleaders won't want to do that one classic cheerleading move where they hoist you up in the air by your boobs?

SKINS: AAAAAAAAH NO WHAT IS THIS

So, we are almost done with the real Skins now.  Just one episode left after this one!  This last episode, which was an Effy episode, was . . . interesting, shall we say.  Still not sure how I feel about it?  Anyways.  Let's just get to the RECAP.

Effy is now living at a mental health clinic and seeing a psychiatrist because of how she is severely depressed these days.  AW YEAH ANOTHER FUNTIMES EPISODE.  He seems like a pretty reasonable adult.  Let's be honest, he's a bit intense, but he seems alright, and it's good that Effy is getting some professional help.  He tells her to forgot all the bad things that ever happened to her, like when she saw Tony get mowed over by that bus ages ago.  Interesting.  Also, it turns out her name is Elizabeth, which closes the case on Skins Mystery #327, What is 'Effy' Short For? 

The psychiatrist thinks Effy is ready to go home again, so she goes home.  Her mom helps her get situated, and shows her around her room, which is really clean and organized now.  There's no cocaine in sight even!  Next, Effy goes to visit Freddie for the first time since she tried to kill herself and he saved her life but then she got mad at him for saving her life and told him to fuck off (that was a fun episode!).  He's really happy to see her.  It's nice that he's been so kind to Effy during this difficult time.  He must really love her!  Harmonicas play loudly over dialogue.

The new American Skins is horrid

So, I just watched the new US Skins on MTV and OMG I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR HOW TERRIBLE THAT WAS.  It was really bad!

Weird thing is, it was exactly the same as the original in pretty much every respect except the quality of the acting (very important factor in the making of a quality television program, it turns out!).  And also, Maxxie is no longer a hot openly-gay-but-not-stereotypical-at-all-which-was-actually-pretty-unprecedented-for-shows-of-this-sort dancer, but a HOT LESBIAN CHEERLEADER.  Very brave, very creative decision-making, MTV.  

These guys made a wonderful list of all the other ways this episode was different from the first ep of the original Skins, including such shockers as:

"BRITISH: It’s overcast.

AMERICAN: It’s snowing." 

 and "BRITISH: After auditioning, Tony is invited to a party by perky blonde Abby.

AMERICAN: After auditioning, Tony is invited to a party by perky blonde Tabitha."

You get it.  But then how was it so terrible (so terrible!) if it was an exact replica of the first episode of the original series, which while admittedly not perfect was still obviously the start of something fun and surprising and entertaining and amazing and clever and, most importantly, full of heart?  Well, there are many reasons for this!  

SKINS: JJ + candy store + ingenious mixing of plaids = YES

So it's been a while since I've talked about Skins, mostly because I was sidetracked by the precious wonder that is Misfits, but I just watched this last episode and OMG LOVED IT.  It was surprisingly fun and lighthearted, which was quite a relief after the soul-crushing devastation of last week's episode (LOL last week.  I am so on schedule with this thing!).  Also, this was a JJ episode, which is great because JJ is the BEST BEST BEST and I think thus far his episodes are way better than everyone else's.  But let's get going!  RECAP:

So, JJ is working at a CANDY STORE now.  He is so quirky.  Because I love lists, here is a list of things that make JJ quirky:

• He works in a candy store!
• He flirts with little old ladies to make them feel young!
• He plays the ukelele!
• He does MAGIC!
• This is his car!